Peter Weller
(Ring) Hello? Yes, Mr. Weller? Yeah. This is Hucker, with United Parcel Service, sir. How are you doing today? Good, what’s up man? We’ve attempted to bring you a parcel three times in the last six days, and no one’s responded. Where? Ah, well, I’m with United Parcel Service, sir. I’m just wondering how late someone’s gonna be there for, for you to sign. (cough with echo effects) Where are you delivering it? Oh, well we’re in Century City, at the, uh… But where are you, where, where are you delivering it? To what address? Well, I’m the account...I’m not a truck driver, sir. I hope to can un, appreciate that. I’m an accountant here. Letting you know you’ve got a back balance. (Voice mail message interrupts both LPC and Mr. Weller, presumably this is LPC making a three way call) “Hi, you’ve reached Caitlin, if you please leave your name, number, and a brief message…) (LPC) Hello? (Peter) Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on. (Voice mail continues) ...I’ll be sure to return your call as soon as possible... (LPC) Is that your, on your end? (Voice mail continues) Thanks so much. (Beep) (Peter) No. (LPC) There must be a mistake. This is UPS. (Peter) Yeah, I don’t know, man. I don’t what you’re trying to deliver, but you know, I have a post office box where I get all mail. I do not get mail at my house. Ever. Yeah. Well,UP, UPS will not deliver to a post office box. Ahhhhh(SFX). Well I don’t know what to do, but… This is from Banana Boat dot com, does that ring a bell? (Slight echo). Banana? No, no. No, it does not ring a bell. Uhhh, well how late is somebody gonna be there tonight? We’ll dispatch another driver. (Sigh with SFX). No one’s gonna there tonight. I get nothing, nothing at my place of address. Nothing. But sir, we’ve been there three times already, from UPS, and no one answered the bell. I, I, I, I don’t even...I don’t know what you’re talking about, because there’s nothing that ever even says what my address is. There’s no record of my address anywhere. Well, we left ya a slip on the door. (Cough with SFX). And no one replied. Ah, for Banana Boat dot com. Mister Weller, correct? Or wheel, Wheeler? Yeah. Okay. Well, Mr. Wheeler, ah, if you’re gonna be there in the next 45 minutes… It’s Well... I, i, it’s Weller, and no one’s there. And no one receives anything there. So it’s gotta go back... Peter Weller? ...Yes. Uh, if you’re not telling me the address that they’re sending it to, I can’t help ya. Well, we can’t just simply send it back, sir. It’s from Banana Boat dot com. (SFX) So, like as I say, I’ll make sure to have an express driver out there in the next 45 minutes for ya, it’s not a problem at all. No. Not a problem at all. Listen, you’re not hearing me! Oh. I don’t get anything, and if you’re not telling me an address, I don’t want it or care about it. Well, okay, we’re UPS at Century City Dispatch Office, ahhh…. Yeah, but you’re not hearing me, man. If you’re not giving me an address where you’re delivering it, I cannot be responsible for it. My name’s Hucker. I’ll have someone out there in the next 30 to 45, not a problem, okay? We’re not there! Nobody’s home! Nobody’s home! Well it’s 110 dollars COD parcel. Ahhh, so we need a check. (hang up sound) - (ring) If you keep calling, I’m gonna call the police right now, man. Bye. Well, what appears to the the trouble up here, sir? (hang up sound) - (ring) (LPC) Heeeeeeyyyyyyyyoooooo. Hello? (Peter’s security) Who, who’s… Sir, we need help bringing this item to your door from the truck, okay? Here’s what, here’s what I need, can I have your full name, please? And the number you’re calling from? Ahh, I’m at United Parcel Service, sir. Which, which office? Century City. I’m a manger up here. What appears to be the trouble tonight sir? What is the...well here is the trouble, is that we’ve asked you not to call anymore, I’m private security for this client, and I have a big problem in that you keep phoning. We’ve said to return the items, we do not want to hear from you again, and you persist in calling. So I want to know your name, and I want to know the office number, and I want to know the address. And I want it right now. This is COD from Banana Boat, is what I’m trying to deliver tonight. I don’t unders...I don’t care. I want to hear your first name, and your address, right now! Yeah, okay, well I’m a manager here at United Parcel Service. Okay, what is your name? Ah, Doniel, is my first name. D-O-N-I-E-L. Okay? Last Name? Last name is Oediv. O-E-D-I-V. And I’ve been here on the job about 14 months, manager, here at United Parcel Service. Century City. And what’s the number. Ah, 1-800-PICK-UPS. (Peter) No, it’s not. (Peter’s Security) That’s not the number you’ve been calling from. (LPC) You’ve got my direct line. I just need to get a credit card number to get this payment prepared, and get your parcel delivered. Okay? Mr. Oediv, listen to me carefully. We are not gonna provide a credit card. And we need these calls to stop, or we will contact law enforcement. Personal check would be alright. Are you hearing me, sir? We are in contact with law enforcement, we will make that call. We do not want to hear… We’re just trying to deliver your parcel, that the guy was about to give me a credit card number… We do not want the parcel. We have already said we do not want the parcel. You do not want the parcel? You are bordering on (fuzzy) harassment. Did you just change your mind on the parcel, on the product, or… Yes, we changed our mind (Peter speaking in background: “We don’t want the parcel, not our parcel”) Not our parcel, and you are bordering on harassment, and we will go there if you persist with this, this action. (Peter in background “hang up”). Okay, well I can let you talk to my supervisor, if, if you’d like. I don’t know what else to tell ya. Talk to your supervisor? Here’s what we need: I want to make sure you do not call my client again. Is that clear? Mr. Wheeler? I don’t know how else to say this, sir. I do not want you to call this phone number again... Okay. (SFX). ...And if you do, we will contact law enforcement. (SFX persist) Ohhh, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m trying to help you here today. So are you going to be writing a check? (SFX). Well the way you’ll help is by not using this… Are you gonna be writing a check to UPS here today, for Banana Boat dot com? I’m trying to do my job. (Echo). No we are not. Can I just ask you, I’m now, I’m now very concerned, what is it that you’re not understanding? It is an incorrect parcel, it is not going to my client, we are not going to write a check, and we do not want you to phone this number again! My job, is what I’m trying to do (Echo) and you’re making that difficult. Exceedingly difficult as this call goes on. (beep, beep). I’m gonna hang up the phone, if you call my client again, we will contact 9-1-1, am I clear? Ohhhhhh. I don’t understand. (echo). I really don’t. Okay, sir, we are contacting law enforcement. (End of track).